High tech humour...
*** Updated 16 Sep 2016 ***
Wish you could master Flight Sim 98 with the aid of an experienced TYPE-RATED 'Cybercaptain' in the background? Sick and tired of always having to click PAUSE and then 'HELP'?
WOULDN'T IT BE GREAT IF YOU COULD FLY YOUR 747-400, 737 EFIS OR 757 WITH THE HELP OF A REAL TIME PILOT IN THE JUMPSEAT?
NOW YOU CAN!
INTRODUCING THE ALL NEW FS98 INTERFACE PROGRAM "CAPTAIN".
Download CAPTAIN 1.0 absolutely free! CAPTAIN operates in the background and uses minimal memory resources. It is the ideal 'crew member' to have around when things start going wrong in a high workload situation.
CAPTAIN operates much the same as MS EXCEL Help Wizard, except it will jump in when it detects you are having a problem. It is like having a real pilot in the jumpseat, monitoring the progress of your flight and instantly comes up with advice where it thinks you're having trouble.
Some examples of CAPTAIN's advice -
"Try Progress Page 3"
"You haven't reset your MCP Altitude"
"You'll catch the cabin at 3000 feet! Reduce your rate of descent."
"Watch that tailwind!"
"Have you deselected AUTO and set MAN?"
If you really get into trouble and don't want to crash, CAPTAIN can be programmed to take over control from you at a second's notice. It can do so automatically if you transgress certain safe parameters of speed, sink rate etc, or manually requesting CAPTAIN to take over by hitting the ESC button. Its that simple!
All advice will annunciate automatically when CAPTAIN detects you are having problems, and will virtually advise on the root causes.
Download Captain 1.0 NOW, and start really enjoying Flight Sim!
Dear Bob in Tech Support,
I am having bulk trouble with your new program CAPTAIN 1.0 for FLIGHT SIM 98. Did you have to design it after a cranky old bastard? Helpful advice my arse! Some of the 'help' lines it spits out include:
"Christ, are you for real?"
"Where'd you get your type rating? Out of a Cornflakes packet?"
"What the fuck did you do that for? You can't fly for shit!"
"You're not doing anything till I've had my Beef Wellington first!"
The worst thing about CAPTAIN is that it takes over control at my slightest mistake! If I go only a bit below G/S, if my IAS varies by more than 2 knots, if the weather is less than VFR, this bloody CAPTAIN program of yours just takes over without so much as a By Your Leave! Even CTL-ALT-DEL is powerless to stop it. Where is this ESC button option? It doesn't work!
Even when I pull the plug and simply turn the computer OFF, CAPTAIN loads itself on reboot as a little icon in W95 and says something like "Hmmm....I remember you! No sectors for you today pal!" After which I no longer have any direct piloting control of FS98. I can't even select the route I'd like to fly.
Despite your free patch program HOSTIE 3.1, which I downloaded last week from your site, it has made no difference to CAPTAIN. While HOSTIE 3.1 standing alone is a wonderful program that runs extremely well with my interface it is no help against the instrusive nature of CAPTAIN 1.0. Every time I make a slightest mistake in Flight Sim 98, CAPTAIN 1.0 immediately executes itself and loads into FS98 along with reams of abuse concerning my mistakes. Either that or it unilaterally takes over my FS98. It mysteriously remains idle if a perfect FS98 exercise is flown. HOSTIE never interferes and it is fun to have in concert while playing FS98. Also, HOSTIE does not execute unless I call for it. I am running HOSTIE in Playful mode.
Even so, it appears that CAPTAIN 1.0 wants to run my whole computer - HDD, RAM, NORTON UTILITIES etc, it even tries to dictate my BIOS settings! It completely ignores inputs from UNINSTALL CAPTAIN.EXE (even showing the words "Who the hell do you think you are? I am the CAPTAIN!") and is forever conflicting with all other programs in my computer. Should I run FS98 with TOWER, it continually complains to ATC just about every clearance received. So much so that TOWER tells me that my clearance is cancelled and to proceed to Alternate! Sheesh!
I hope you can help me as I'm practically at wit's end. I want to show FS98 to my mother but I can't until CAPTAIN is brought under control.
We had programmed CAPTAIN to be of independent analytical thought, but had no idea it would go crazy. Our finished product was modelled on that of a charming polite gentleman. It appears after one month in use it acquires
certain bugs. We knew CAPTAIN would be realistic, but didn't intend it to go so far into reality.
Try running HOSTIE 3.1 in another Mode with CAPTAIN 1.0. Change HOSTIE Mode by entering Edit - Options - Personality. The options found there should be: Normal - Playful - Bitch - Teaser - Whore - Slut - Balltearer. I suggest you select 'Slut'. Note that Virgin Mode cannot be selected as it was in Hostie 3.0 as it has never been used by any FS pilot.
CAPTAIN 1.0 always detects when HOSTIE 3.1 is operating in SLUT Mode and will be distracted from FS98. Our recent laboratory benchtesting shows that CAPTAIN reverts to that of the originally designed program intention of
pleasantness after 30min interaction with HOSTIE in this mode. CAPTAIN should then return to FS98 as the program as was designed. Then reselect PLAYFUL mode. This is because when HOSTIE remains in SLUT mode it will bring up any teasing pornographic pictures you may have in your internet browser's cache or on your HDD. That's nice while on enroute cruise, but could be an embarrassment while demonstrating your FS98 to mum.
We hope this helps.
Bob and Tech Support Team.
PS: It might pay to have CAPTAIN interact with HOSTIE in SLUT mode anytime CAPTAIN appears to get bitchy or cranky.